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Planting The Seed of Intention

 

By creating an intention, we plant a seed for how we want things to go whether it is a conversation, a relationship, a new year or a vacation. It helps point us in the direction of who we want or need to be in order to create that intention.

If we are going to be having a difficult conversation or event, creating an intention can help alleviate anxiety and set a positive tone for the interaction.

Here are a few easy steps to creating an intention:

1.   Begin by answering the question, “What am I looking to come away with at the end?”  Write your answers down and be specific.

For example: Janet has an important meeting coming up with her boss, who has not always been a fan of hers. What she wrote was, “I want to come out of the meeting having her understand my position and knowing that I want the best for her, the company and myself.”

2.  Now ask yourself, “If I was successful at that, what would that provide?”  Write down a list of words that come to mind.

Janet imagined being successful in her conversation with her boss and asked herself, “What would that provide?”  Her list looked like this: understanding, harmony, cooperation, partnership, unity, discovery, trust, abundance, peace.

3. Look at your list of words and see which one or two resonate with you. Don’t worry if you think no one else will understand. Choose the one that feels right to you. If none of them feels right, then go back and begin again, making sure you have answered each question honestly.

In this example, Janet chose “unity” and “abundance” for her intention in the conversation with her boss. Because she planted this seed of intention (unity and abundance), she was able to let go of the negative thoughts and anxiety and felt more confident as she walked into the meeting.

Now it’s your turn. Where would you like to create an intention? Don’t worry about getting it perfect or right. It is yours and it can’t be wrong. If you get stuck, put it down and pick it up again later.

Once you have your intention, write it down and post it somewhere you can see it or carry it in your pocket. If you are creating the intention for an event, remind yourself of your intention before you go in. Then when you come out, check in, did you create the intention?

If you did, great! If you didn’t, ask yourself, what had it go the way that it did? Learn from it and try again.

Before you know it, you will be planting seeds of intention all the time and everywhere. Chances are you will sprout more purposeful actions and a life of possibilities.

Women Inspiring Change Retreat

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*THIS RETREAT IS SOLD OUT! IF YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT TO THIS ONE, CHECK BACK FOR WHEN THE NEXT REGISTRATION OPENS UP.*

Join us on August 23rd, for this full-day retreat designed to help you learn how to live your best life! We will explore ways to shift our common belief that taking care of ourselves is selfish. We will uncover what is truly in the way of you making positive changes in your life.
Come and learn how to take good care of your greatest asset, you.

Located on 135-acres, the beautiful and serene Chapin Mill Retreat Center will thrill your senses and ignite your imagination.

During this day long retreat, you will:

  • be led through exercises designed to uncover what’s keeping you from making lasting positive change
  • discover who you really are and how to use this to create transformative change
  • learn and practice yoga asana (movement) appropriate for everybody, and pranayama (intentional breath work) in order to manage stress and harness optimal energy
  • explore stillness and deep relaxation to refresh and revitalize yourself
  • uncover what foods are keeping you addicted and hijacking your weight loss efforts
  • get tips on how improving your digestion can lead to weight loss and increased energy
  • learn how to make smoothies and juices that taste great, are easy to make and can easily be incorporated into your daily routine

Imagine a safe and welcoming place where you can get your questions answered and learn simple, effective ways to create a body and life you will love! You will also be served a delicious and nutritious breakfast, lunch and filling snacks throughout the day. Enjoy superfood smoothies (demos and recipes just for you), delightful salads, yummy detox juices, homemade almond cherry bliss protein bars and other great snacks to keep you fueled all day.
Our Retreat facilitators are:
Linda Heeler, Professional Certified Coach, Meet Linda
Christine Porter, Certified Health + Wellness Coach, Meet Christine
Mary Aman, Master Yoga Instructor, Meet Mary
These women will bring their talents and expertise to guide you as you begin your journey toward positive change in your life.
Cost for this day long retreat is $247
Registration closes on August 18th.
To register, go to PeaceAndPear.com

Understanding Your Money Mindset

Its Raining Money

Have you ever thought about your relationship to money? I say relationship because we all have a story about money.

I grew up thinking we were poor. There never seemed to be enough money for what I wanted.

Now mind you, I never went without food, decent clothing, anything really. But as a kid, I wanted certain things, as all kids do.

There never seemed to be enough when I wanted things like candy or a toy. I didn’t get an allowance so I would ask my parents for money when I wanted something. The answer was sometimes yes, but most of the time, no. Sounds normal, right?

But as a kid, I made up the story that I couldn’t have those things because we were poor. And my mind took it one step further down the victim trail to, “I can’t have what I want but my brothers always get what they want.”

What my mind failed to realize is that my brothers are 5 and 6 years older than me. They worked on a local farm or at the 5 & 10 store and earned their own money so they could buy what they wanted.

But my mind was determined to hold onto this scarcity mentality.

Fast forward to adulthood. I perpetuated this story by putting all of my families needs above my own. The kids needed new school clothes, ok.  My husband wanted to go on his annual fishing trip, of course.

But when I even had the thought of spending any money on myself, my mind immediately went to, “No! You can’t have what you want! Remember, there isn’t enough for you!”

So I became resentful.

When I had enough of my resentment, I would just go and buy what I wanted. Then, guilt set in.

I felt so much guilt from spending anything on myself, I would sometimes not tell my husband what I bought. I thought he certainly wouldn’t understand spending $40 on a tube of face cream.

That left me feeling dishonest and like I was stealing from my family.

I knew I needed to break this pattern of behavior before I could really welcome any amount of abundance into my life.

My best friend, a former financial broker, suggested that in order to break through this, I simply needed some mad money.  A certain amount of money each week, I could call my own.

My mad money was mine to do with what I wanted. I could burn it, give it away, buy a bunch of little things or save it for something bigger.

This made so much sense to me and immediately lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know this sounds crazy but this “allowance,” so to speak, opened up possibilities for me to not only get what I wanted but to give up the destructive pattern of guilt and resentment.

By releasing the emotional tie it had on me, I no longer let money control my life.

Now I’m rewriting my money story from a perspective of abundance and having all of my needs met. Even if it’s candy!

What is your “money mindset?”  What would you like your relationship to money to be? What is something you can do today to begin a shift toward your new “money mindset?”

The Secret To Happiness? Be Sad

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I hear  people saying that in order to be happy, we just need to do positive affirmations and let go of negativity. I say the exact opposite.

In order to be happy, be sad. Let me explain.

The new movie Inside Out is geared towards children but I think it’s a movie everyone should see, adults included.

Without giving too much away, the movie focuses on a little girl named Reilly and how she deals with her emotions. There are characters that represent the emotions of joy, sadness, disgust, anger and fear.

In the beginning of the movie, each time Sadness tries to take over, Joy is there to push her away.

I did this for years.

I tried everything to make sadness go away because I thought something was wrong with me if I wasn’t happy all the time. I tried pushing it down, denying it, resisting it. I tried talking myself out of it by doing positive affirmations.

You’ve heard the saying “What we resist, persists?”  That is exactly what happened.

Before I knew it, I wasn’t just sad, I was depressed.

There were times when I felt like a deep dark hole was opening up and swallowing me. All I wanted to do was check out of life and sleep.

Then, after a while, I would begin to feel better and come out of it. (Those who have that hole swallow them up and don’t come out,  need to seek professional help)

When we resist feeling any emotion, it causes a reaction.

Shame and vulnerability researcher, Brené Brown, compiled data that showed we cannot numb one emotion without numbing all of our emotions.

Basically, by not allowing ourselves to feel and process our sadness, we are not able to experience true joy.

In our society, it often seems unacceptable to express sadness. We can feel we need to put on a happy face and act like we’ve got it all together.

When we do that, our sadness festers and ends up coming out in other ways. It can manifest itself as depression, illness or destructive behavior such as addiction.

Or we could have an outburst and explode when we have reached our limit.

However, by acknowledging and experiencing our emotions and talking to an empathetic person, we will find that sadness or any emotion leaves as fast as it came.

This is what happened to little Reilly. Once she allowed herself to talk to her parents about her sadness, it opened the door to true connection as well as letting Joy once again be a part of her life.

The real lesson here is that emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. We all have them and all they simply want is to be expressed.

What about those positive affirmations? It is unhealthy and unrealistic to expect ourselves to be happy all the time. If we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, then we can use positive affirmations or gratitude to reconnect with hope and faith.  That way we won’t end up wallowing in negativity.

What emotion are you currently not allowing yourself to experience? Who is your go-to person when you need empathy?

If you are open to it, practice allowing difficult feelings, share with an empathy buddy and see what happens. I bet you’ll be amazed at how much happier you will be when you allow your emotions to just be.

What To Do When Inspiration Has Left The Building

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I usually feel inspired when it comes to writing something for my blog. Normally, I have something to say.

Not last week.

I kept waiting for inspiration to hit and although I had a number of ideas, nothing really felt right.

In the past, I would have forced myself to sit down and just write something. (Just look at some of my early blog posts, eek!)

My practice now is, if something doesn’t feel right then I don’t do it.

I mentioned to my brilliant daughter that I was struggling with this and she immediately said, “Mom, write about that.”

She went on to say that she was feeling much the same way. And I had a client that day who said she was also feeling that way.

When I inquired about what was going on with them, this is what I learned.

 

  • We are women who get things done but when we feel like we need a break from “doing,” we can get scared.  Our thoughts might go to worrying that we will be seen as lazy, lose our job & end up a bag lady. Or that our business is going to fail if we don’t make a blog post. Or some other made up story.

 

  • We need to remember that “this too shall pass.”  We can either fight it and force ourselves to do those things we think we “should” or we can give ourselves permission to wait for inspiration.

I did the latter.

Instead of forcing myself to sit at the computer and write a blog, I spent my time contemplating a retreat I’m putting together. I got my business finances in order. I was even inspired to rewrite my website text, finally! (I’ve been waiting for that inspiration to hit for a while)

If we give ourselves permission to be exactly where we are with no judgement, then it creates the space for inspiration to flow once again.

What is it that you’re not really feeling right now? Give yourself permission to be right where you are and see what opens up.

Let me know what happens.

Chutzpah & Heart

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I sat listening to a friend who was recounting a meltdown she had recently. Someone had pushed her buttons and suddenly, she found herself saying things she never thought she was capable of.

Afterwards she felt such regret and said, “This is not who I want to be.”

It became clear that her automatic reaction when triggered was to fight. She had developed that survival instinct as a little girl and it’s still there even though she’s an adult.

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word that means “shameless audacity.” I think of it as having guts, nerve or backbone.

I think this woman has chutzpah. And not all of us do.

There are those whose first reaction is to run away when there is confrontation. I fall into this category.

However, when I avoid the uncomfortable situation or person, I end up feeling defeated. My confidence and self-esteem take a hit.

A few years ago, the leader of an organization was continually putting me down. Even though they stepped over the line, I lacked the chutzpah to say, “I won’t be treated this way.”

Because I am a person who chooses to lead with my heart, I mistakenly viewed standing up for myself as being arrogant.  But each time I backed down, I felt weak and like I dishonored myself.  This was not who I wanted to be.

I had heart and not enough chutzpah. My friend had chutzpah and not enough heart.

Chutzpah by itself can come across as arrogant or mean. Heart alone can be viewed as weakness and a doormat.

The sweet spot lies where we have both heart AND chutzpah (heartzpah?! :). It’s not easy to find that place, it takes practice.

For fighters, it means forcing yourself to take a time out before you start saying things you’ll regret.

For those of us who take flight, it means giving yourself permission to stand your ground.

I think Brené Brown said it best, “Don’t puff up, don’t shrink back. Just stand your sacred ground.”

It can be scary and uncomfortable as we practice something new. But that’s where our growth lies, in those scary, uncomfortable places. And there is great joy  and peace of mind  knowing that you can handle anything or anyone who crosses your path.

In order to be the person you want to be, what do you need to practice more of, chutzpah or heart?

 

Finding What Works

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I have a friend with a background in finance and was very successful in the corporate world. A few years ago, she left her high paying, structured job, decided to downsize and began living simply.

She became a free spirit who flows from one thing to the next with very little planning.

For as long as I have known her, she has resisted structure.

I am in awe of her because I am the opposite. I love structure. I like making plans and knowing what’s going to happen and when. It makes me feel safe and in control.

I enjoy creating my to-do list and then checking things off. I like how I get things done and how I feel at the end of the day.

Lately, our conversations have turned to improving our eating habits. Of course, I began by logging my food intake. This helped me keep track of what I was eating and I felt accomplished at the end of the day.

My friend fought this. She wanted the freedom to choose what she wanted without the constraints of having to plan. However, since she didn’t have a plan, she would come home from the grocery store with things she really didn’t want.

When I don’t have a plan, I find myself standing in front of the refrigerator wondering what to eat. Then I end up eating way too many chips or cookies. All the stuff I’m trying not to eat.

Recently my friend found an eating plan that felt right to her. It called for planning meals and weighing and measuring her food.

After following this plan, she came to the realization that being free spirited was not freedom at all- it was chaos.

With her new eating plan, she felt more free than she had in a long time because she didn’t really have to think about it. She has set guidelines to follow and as long as she stays inside those she feels satisfied and happy.

So that must mean because I’m a planner, things are copacetic with me. I wish.

Because I usually get results, I think, “if a little planning is good then a lot of planning is better.” The drill sergeant comes out and begins whipping me into shape.

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No matter what I do, it’s never good enough for the drill sergeant. I become miserable and I end up quitting or working myself so hard I burn out or get sick.

In any area of our lives, if the pendulum swings too far toward free spirit, it can lead to chaos and no results. Or if our plan is too rigid it may trigger the drill sergeant which can lead to results but not sustainable ones.

We need to aim for somewhere in between. And it always helps to have a supportive friend to share the journey.

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Procrastination Sabotages Productivity

bigstock-Concept-for-procrastination-an-51568768The number of chronic procrastinators has quadrupled in the last 30 years to nearly 20 percent of the population, according to Dr. Joseph Ferrari, associate professor of psychology at Chicago’s De Paul University. It is an insidious habit that will sabotage your success and drain your energy.

Fear of making a mistake, fear of failure or even fear of success can be causes of chronic procrastination.

Procrastination may be a problem if you:

•Have been financially impacted because you didn’t cash a check on time or delayed filing your taxes to the point of incurring fines or penalties.

•Have become exhausted and/or given up working out because you had to watch just one (or two or three) more episodes on Netflix before going to bed.

•Are constantly making excuses because you are late.

•Friends, family or coworkers point out your procrastination or the consequences of it.

The good news is procrastination is a learned behavior. With the proper structure and lots of practice, new habits can be formed. It will take time and patience though.

“Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up,” according to Dr. Ferrari.

Here are a few steps you can take to begin to break the procrastination habit:

•Make a to-do list of 5-6 things daily.

•If necessary, begin by tackling just one and break it down into small steps.

•Pay attention to your thinking — if you notice you want to procrastinate, decide to just keep going.

•Acknowledge and reward yourself for what you have accomplished.

•If you find yourself procrastinating, don’t judge yourself just focus on the next item on your list.

As you begin to take even small steps, you will notice your production increasing, your energy level rising and your happiness begin to grow.

This was written for Rochester Women’s Network’s column Women At Work and was published in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle on April 21, 2015. 

Changing The Golden Rule

You’ve heard of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?   All I can say is it must have been a man who thought this up because no woman in her right mind would ever say anything so stupid.

I agree that the Golden Rule is positive in most situations.  In dealing with the people I encounter, I try to be calm, polite and kind.  All traits I appreciate in others when interacting with me.

However, recently I took issue with my husband treating ME as HE would want to be treated. Specifically when it came to my birthday.

When my husband and kid’s birthdays roll around, I try very hard to give them a special day. When the kids were younger, we had parties. Now that they’re older, they choose between dinner at their favorite restaurant or dinner at home with me making whatever they choose.  And the same goes for my husband.

With my birthday so close to Christmas, it has always seemed to get lost. With all the hoopla over the holidays, everyone is too tired and partied out to have yet another party, including myself.  As an adult, I have learned to accept this.  Or so I thought.

This year, I felt resentful as I thought about my upcoming birthday.  When I looked to see what the cause was, I realized the past few years, my birthday dinner consisted of takeout pizza.  I love pizza, don’t get me wrong, but on my birthday?!

When I thought about how my husband wanted to spend his birthdays recently, I noticed he doesn’t care to make a big deal out of it.  I realized he was treating my birthday the same way.  He didn’t understand that I wanted something more than takeout food.

I knew I needed to have a conversation telling him that I did not want to be treated like he wants to be treated. I wanted to be treated the way I want.

All that meant was either choosing to go out for dinner or having him cook dinner at home, NO TAKEOUT!

In case you’re wondering, he cooked our family a delicious meal of artichokes french, jambalaya and tiramisu. My favorite foods with my favorite people!  It was the best birthday ever because I felt heard and honored! Not only by the people I love but by myself as well. (And it was extra special because my husband doesn’t often cook.)

Where are you expecting your partner to treat you as you treat them?  A hint: Start by looking at where you’re feeling resentful.  Speak up and practice asking to be treated the way you want.

Remember the Golden Rule of Relationships: Do unto your partner as you would have them do unto you, unless they tell you otherwise.

 

 

A New Perspective

I noticed I was getting a bit bored with my normal walking route lately. So I decided to try doing the route in the opposite direction.

This woke up my senses! It was a completely different set of scenery. The trees, the road, the creek, the traffic… everything seemed fresh and new!

When I took the usual route I came from the opposite direction and was on the opposite side of the road. I never noticed how much the small trees that lined the north edge of my neighbor’s property had grown over the past year.

I also noticed that this route seemed to be ALL up hill. No kidding. And, I found that my mind didn’t wander as it would when I walked my usual route.

I began to wonder about the many things I do a certain way just because that’s how I’ve always done them.

I think about the many times I would drive to and from work and not remember any part of the drive. I was so in my head that I was totally on auto pilot.

That sounds like it would be good, right? But what about life? Am I going through life on auto pilot? Am I so stuck in the past or worried about the future that I’m not paying attention to the life that’s happening right now?

I love routine. It brings me comfort.

I love that my husband gets out of work at 4:30 most days and will be home shortly thereafter. We have dinner by 7pm, talk about our days and discuss what’s happening tomorrow.

By 10pm, I’m on my way to bed as my husband attempts to stay awake to watch the Twilight Zone at 11pm, he doesn’t always make it. Although this may sound boring to some, this routine is comforting for me.

But there are routines that are downright boring for me. For example, a few years ago I was working with someone on my business. They advised me that I should set up my coaching business like any regular 8-5 business with an hour off for lunch.

I did that for a while, got totally bored and rebelled. One of the reasons that I decided to start my own business was so that I could set my own hours.

For years as a dental hygienist, I had to work the schedule the doctors set, usually 9-5, 8-4 or 7-3.

What I notice is that I am happiest when I set my own schedule. Sometimes I don’t sit down to work until the afternoon. Other times I have woken up in the middle of the night and answered emails or sat down to write at 7am or 8pm or on the weekend.

I am learning to trust my instinct and do what feels right to me.

By following a different route or a different way of doing those things we do often, we have a chance to look at things from a whole new perspective.

That’s another reason why I LOVE collaboration. There have been many times I have changed my opinion simply because I was open to hearing someone else’s take.

Listen to what others have to say and then, trust your gut. Choose what brings you comfort and joy but try changing your routine even just a little from time to time.

You might find that’s all you need to add a little spark and a new perspective to your life.